“Keith, I have your pants” – Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl O’Rama

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Three bored guys, Calvin, Jimmie and Keith, are drinking in their dorm room. Keith has an idea for some fun, crashing the Tri Delta initiation that night. At the sorority house the festivities began as the boys sneak up to the window. Initiates Taffy and Lisa are awaiting punishment from sadistic Babs and her sidekicks, Frankie and Rhonda. After witnessing the girls being mercilessly paddled by Babs, the guys decide they need a closer look and break in. To cap off the beating, Frankie and Rhonda spray the Initiates with whipped cream. Lisa and Taffy hit the showers and the boys follow.

Taffy and Lisa give the boys an unintentional eyeful. Unfortunately, Babs catches the guys almost instantly. She calls a meeting, the last task for initiation will be for Lisa and Taffy to steal a bowling trophy from her father’s mall with the boys in tow. Brutal Babs has a secret plan. Since Daddy owns the mall, she and her minions sneak in to make more trouble for Taffy and Lisa. When our five adventurers do their little act of B & E they find the place is already being robbed.

Tipsy Calvin buddies up to tough as press-on nails Spider. She ridicules the entire bunch, save Calvin, but finally resorts to helping them steal the trophy so they will go away. Jimmie picks the largest trophy in the case and they prepare to head out. Babs and the minions watch on the security cameras as a scuffle breaks out and the trophy drops. Smoke fills the air and out pops a little grey Imp. Uncle Impy is very grateful for being sprung. He offers the group wishes. Calvin is skeptical and Spider is blatantly hostile, they are DQ’d from wishing. Jimmie wishes for gold, Taffy wants to be prom queen and Keith wishes that Lisa would put out.

As soon as the Imp grants his last wish, he reveals his true colors. He knows Babs and the girls are watching so he turns Rhonda into a scaly faced monster and Frankie into the bride of Frankenstein. Uncle Impy electrifies the exits in time to shock a fleeing Babs. The wishes start to go bad and the group turns on the Imp. Demon girls Rhoda and Frankie and kill Jimmie with the ball shiner before bowling with his head. Calvin and Spider shoot Rhonda twice to no avail. Keith attempts to get a break from Uber clingy Lisa only to have his face deep fried. Taffy is stretched a bit too far and winds up in two. Babs wakes up and has a pleasant chat with old Uncle Impy. That is, until Rhonda crashes the party. Babs beats on her as only she could and with Calvin and Spider bowling clean up, they put an end to Rhonda. Uncle Impy just laughs, he demonizes Babs into her replacement.

Calvin and Spider do some more exploring and come upon a janitor. Although laughably heard of hearing, he knows all about the Imp. When enclosed in a small space an Imp will lose it’s power. After a few false starts they agree the best course of action would be to get him in a headlock, kick him in the butt and stuff him back in the trophy. They decide the deaf guy should wait there and ‘listen’ if they need help. Ha. Calvin and Spider head back downstairs to find Babs has killed Lisa. Spider fights with Babs for a few moments before that gets boring and Calvin hits Babs with a molotov cocktail. While Spider prepares to capture the Imp, she sends Calvin to bring the car around. SURPRISE! Rhonda isn’t dead, she’s in the backseat strangling Calvin. In the Imp’s own words “Monster in the backseat? Oldest trick in the book”. Luckily, those are some of the Imp’s last words as Spider slams a Prince Albert can over his head. With the Imp in the can, Rhonda loses her powers. Calvin still flips the car, but he’s safe. Spider rescues him and they ride off into the dawn on her moped. For some reason, they leave the can with the Imp in it on the sidewalk. Right out in the open where anyone might open it. More shocking, there is no sequel.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

Starting from the very beginning, the opening theme is a wondrous piece of synth trash called ‘Here in the Darkness’. The version used for the opening and closing has no other lyrics than ‘here in the darkness’ over and over. This song is still stuck in my head. I’m not mad about it.

I like this movie. The plot is dumb. It’s The Monkey’s Paw if, the paw itself was a bald, homicidal, donkey puppet. This donkey puppet is kinda funny, not like “OMG, I can’t stop laughing”, more like “at least the Imp knows he kinda sucks.” Despite two decapitations, there is almost no blood. Frankly, the worst part of the movie is that it’s so dark. Half the time, I swore something really awesome was happening and I just couldn’t see it. I was left feeling that there were far too many people in the cast. Logically, I guess that’s not true, we need the cannon fodder. I couldn’t tell you who I would have eliminated, it just seemed crowed.

On to the good stuff, in this one we have more Linnea (Spider), more Michelle (Lisa) and a first time appearance on the blog of Brinke Stevens (Taffy). According to IMDB, this one was of only two movies in which all three ladies appear. I feel that may be an old factoid, due to the ‘1313’ movie series, maybe someone can confirm. I like to imagine the three of them negotiating over who has to get naked and how naked they have to get. We get a fully nude Brinke, boobs from Michelle and some fully clothed under boob from Linnea. Michelle is a bit too worldly to be believable as the innocent she is supposed to be here initially. This is my favorite role for Linnea. I know Return of the Living Dead fans will want my head for that remark but she and Uncle Impy make the movie.

By far, my favorite exchange is between Spider and the Janitor. It’s a very stupid scene, nothing new or clever about it but I laugh every time. Anytime Spider rags on Calvin is funny. Really, any time Spider talks is good for me. Then there’s Uncle Impy (I feel compelled to add that he is voiced by Dukey Flyswatter because that’s a pretty kickass fake name) and that’s what he’s like, an Uncle. He tells corny uncle jokes and terrorizes you. What I’m getting at is, the dialogue is awful, but it’s the good kind of awful. I’m a fan, I say three and a half Imps.

 

Alisa Ramone:

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is a campy, low-budget, 80’s horror spoof, complete with all three scream queens, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens! It’s basically the “genie in a bottle story,” but with an evil imp instead of a genie. SBinSB grabs your attention right away with the catching opening song (that Bobi won’t stop singing) and amuses you all the way to the end. It has a comical plot, great one-liners, lots of gratuitous nudity and several really creative death scenes. I also loved Uncle Impy; he’s hysterically bad, but in a good way.  My biggest complaint was that most of the film was shot at night in a bowling alley, so the lighting is really terrible. SBitSB is an incredibly tongue-in-cheek, entertaining and well paced film that I would recommend to all B movie fans.

Three college boys (Jimmy, Calvin and Keith) go to a sorority house to secretly watch an initiation. They get caught and forced to tag along with Lisa and Taffy to steal a bowling trophy. This isn’t your ordinary trophy; it has an evil imp inside it. They drop the trophy and release Uncle Impy, which results in mayhem and death, but not before he gives Taffy, Jimmy and Keith a wish. Not surprisingly, these wishes turn out to be horrible. The sorority girls (Babs, Rhonda and Frankie) also go to the mall to make sure that the group doesn’t complete their task.  Uncle Impy turns the the three of them into demons similar to their personalities; Rhonda becomes a zombie with bad skin (obsessed with skin/appearance), Babs becomes a dominatrix (obsessed with power), and Frankie becomes the bride of Frankenstein (because her name is Frankie?). Uncle Impy is a cool cat with a deep jazzy voice (Dukey Flyswatter). Sadly, he isn’t made very well, but because the lighting is so bad it was hard to see him anyways.

The deaths are spectacular, even though there were only a few. I’m even willing to forgive the lack of blood. First, we have Jimmy, who gets beheaded by ball shiner and they use his head as a bowling ball (gutter head). Next, Taffy get pulled apart limb from limb (like taffy) and finally, Rhonda shoves Keith’s face into a deep fryer. I wish the lighting was better so I could see each death a little better though. I know I keep mentioning the lighting, but it really did take away from everything.

The most interesting part of this story is that a woman (Spider) is the hero and a man (Calvin) is the blundering sidekick. If you have read any of my other reviews, you know that I’m a little obsessed with gender roles in horror. This movie had a complete gender reversal between Calvin and Spider. Spider is the strong, cunning, bad ass, punk rocker and Calvin is a timid, submissive nerdy guy. He falls for the bad girl immediately (usually that is a girl falling for the bad boy). He physically hides behind her, lays his head in her lap, gives her the gun, gets rescued several times by her and even rides off at the end of the film on the back of her moped. Spider is an exceptionally unique character. She was there to rob the place, but she wouldn’t take “uncle impy” up on his offer to give her anything her little heart desired. Spider was the one to kill all three demons (with Calvin’s help) and capture the Imp. Babs seems to be a strong female character too, but in the face of actual danger, Spider decides to “man up” and Babs cries.

I’m left with two burning questions; why didn’t Lisa get a wish (she was only the object of Keith’s wish) and why did they leave imp on sidewalk in a canister? Someone could just walk by and open it! Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is a fun, campy film that’s totally worth watching at least once. I give it 4 imps!  

“Who’d want to eat a live cat?” – Night of the Comet

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Tonight the World is preparing for Christmas and a sighting of a rare comet. Sixty-Five million years ago was the last time the comet passed Earth, near the extinction of the dinosaurs. People are lining the streets the world over. Comet parties are raging in every major city.

Regina Belmont is ‘working’ at the local movie theater. ‘Working’ consists of keeping up every high score on the Tempest game in the lobby and sneaking off to be with Larry the Projectionist. Someone named ‘DMK’ has taken spot number six and Regina is annoyed. After dodging her boss, she meets up with Larry to spend the night with him in the steel projection booth. Regina calls home to have younger sister Samantha cover for her with their stepmother, Doris. Sam and Doris get into an argument about Doris’ ‘close’ relationship with neighbor Chuck. Doris punches Samantha. Sam runs away and spends the evening in the metal tool shed.

The comet passes over Los Angeles bringing neon lightning and cartoon clouds. Larry wakes Regina with his loud ranting. He rented a movie reel to a friend that was supposed to return it that morning. The friend has not shown up. When Larry leaves to track down the print, Regina heads to the lobby to take care of her Tempest problem. She successfully removes DMK from her scoreboard and steps outside to have a look around. All she finds are piles of clothes, red dust and the fact that she is now locked out. Heading to the alley behind the theater she finds Larry’s keys and bike are still here. Regina calls to him but instead, attracts an angry, zombie-like creature instead. The zombie appears to have been munching on Larry. After trying to talk her way out of the situation, Regina kicks his ass and escapes on the motorcycle.

Riding through the city, Regina finds it empty except for more clothes and red dust. At home, Regina finds a thankfully intact Samantha. After spending the night in the shed, Sam returns home to get ready for cheerleading practice. She’s had no luck getting any of the girls on the phone. Regina demands that Sam call someone, anyone, else and Samantha, suitably freaked out declines. They head outside where Regina continues to try to make her point. She points out clothes, calling out their former owners. Finally demands to know that for a Saturday morning, where are the children? The girls take the argument indoors, but stop short when the radio DJ makes a broadcast.

Unfortunately, the DJs voice was a recording. They do meet Hector. He pulls a gun on them, thinking they might be some of the ‘freaks’ he’s run into outside. Once he finds that they probably don’t want to eat him, he apologizes and explains why he’s so jumpy. Heck used to have a traveling companion, she ran off when they first saw a zombie eating a cat. When he caught up to her, she had been torn apart by zombies. Regina runs off to be sick, finally realizing what must have happened to Larry. Hector goes to check on her. Alone, Sam decides to play DJ. She spins a few tracks and invites callers to give her a ring. Someone calls. She’s so shaken, she can only remember that they are some kind of research group in the desert.

Sam realizes the Regina is probably going to snake the last guy in the world out from under her and she goes for a drive. As Sam is enjoying a cold beer and a joyride, she is actually relieved to be pulled over. Until the cops get to her window. They’re zombies! Sike! She was dreaming. Sam heads to the bathroom to wash up in the sink a little. While in the bathroom she is attacked by another zombie cop. Sike again!! She was still dreaming, she wakes up screaming bring Regina and Hector to check on her.

Now that they’re awake Regina and Hector do some more bonding. Hector says he needs to head to San Diego to see if his mother and sister made it. Regina advises Hector against it but his mind is made up. While Hector is gone, the girls do some target practice. They have a sisterly squabble over Hector and head to the mall for some retail therapy. Meanwhile, the scientists arrive at the radio station. They’ve been exposed to the comet and are on the way to becoming zombies themselves. The group wants the blood of the healthy teenagers to make a syrum  to reverse the effects. One scientist, Audrey, is not comfortable killing people for something that may not even work. The psychologist of the group works out that the mall would be a likely place to look for the girls.

Hector makes it to San Diego and finds his family gone. He encounters a child zombie that he doesn’t have the heart to kill. After he gathers some photographs, he races back to the city. Regina and Sam are blissfully shopping until they encounter a group of half-zombie stock boys. The girls put up a valiant effort in the ensuing shoot out but they are captured. Just as the round of one-sided russian roulette is about to come to an end, they are saved by the scientists. Audrey convinces the rest of the bunch that Sam has been exposed. Most of the group leaves with Regina, Audrey stays behind to deal with Sam and wait for Hector.

Audrey gives Sam an injection and she quietly slips off. The other scientist suggests they go wait for Hector at the station. Audrey shoots him. When Hector returns to the station he finds Audrey, she’s not doing well. While she still could wrote down everything Hector would need to know to save Reggie. With that done, Audrey gives herself an injection and dies. At the undisclosed desert location, Regina is being questioned about her medical history. She sees two children and coupled with the line of questioning realizes something is very wrong.

Hector arrives and with some help from the totally not dead Sam, they take out the guard. Hector sets to work booby trapping a truck and Sam runs off to rescue Regina. Regina has the same idea and begins bashing her way through the guards but she’s captured again. Luckily, Sam cuts the power and in the resultant chaos Regina is able to escape. Sam and Regina are reunited while rescuing the children. They rendezvous with Hector outside. The scientist pile into the booby trapped truck to give chase and are blown to bits.

Los Angeles is bathed by a healing rain storm. The sky returns to blue, the dust and clothing are washed away. Sometime later the new family are taking pictures in their Sunday best. Hector and Regina are teaching the kids not to cross against the light, which Sam thinks is ludicrous. To prove her point, she crosses the street. Sam is almost mowed down by Danny Mason Keener, he apologizes and asks to take her for a ride. She happily agrees and as the car pulls off we see his vanity plate says DMK.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

Night of the Comet is one of my all-time favorites. It’s probably the biggest reason I’m doing this today. I saw it for the first time when I was around twelve and I was blown away. In Regina and Samantha, I found unlikely but highly relatable horror movie heros. This was the first movie to show me girls had a place in horror beyond screaming and dying. Is this the best horror movie I’ve ever seen? No. Are the effects fantastic? What effects? Are there boobs? Nope. Are there plot holes you can drive a buick though? Yes, of course. This movie kicked the door open on B horror for me and I love it dearly.

Judging by the looks of Los Angeles, the body count for this one is something like 99% of the population. Which is pretty respectable. We’re left with a dumbish cheerleader, somewhat slutty ($15 in exchange for sex???) movie usher and a kinda helpless truck driver. The burden of civilization is upon them. That might be what is so much fun about this movie. You can either relate to one of the characters to see how well you do in a post-human world, or realize how much smarter you are than they are and map out how you’d take over the west coast.

I think this was the first piece of post-apocalyptic work I’d ever encountered, and thanks to Night of the Comet I’ve never lost my fascination for it. Being alone in the world didn’t look scary, the power still worked and they could go to the mall. Yeah, yeah, they were captured by zombies but really they only ran into about seven zombies the whole movie. Those are pretty good odds.

Reggie and Sam made the biggest impact on me. They were tough and resourceful. Hector didn’t show up and immediately become the hero. The girls got in gun fights, beat the crap out of zombies, saved the children and outsmarted the think tank geniuses.Reggie and Sam were also real, they fought over boys and went shopping at the end of the world.  I’m not alone, Joss Whedon has said part of his inspiration for Buffy was Samantha. They both turn horror movie logic on its head, the blonde cheerleader dies in the second act. Here, she helps save the day and gets a boy of her own.

How does Night of the Comet stand up to adult scrutiny? I still really like it. The girls are funny and still pretty badass. Don’t think too hard about the plot or the science. Both get a little thin under the microscope. There’s not too much in the way of horror and nearly no blood. I’d say other than the girl’s hair, it stands up pretty well. I’m going four and a half killer comets on this one.

Alisa Ramone:

Night of the Comet is a witty, refreshing post apocalyptic sci-fi film with the least likely, but most likable heroines I have ever seen. Night of the Comet breaks the mold by taking a light-hearted, almost wholesome approach to life during and after the apocalypse. This is one of the rare times that I enjoy the fact that comedy often overshadows tragedy. There is very little nudity, blood/gore, but the film still holds its own among the 80’s cult classics with fantastic dialogue, great acting and unpredictable lead characters. It also has a killer new wave soundtrack.
Throughout this film, we follow two teenage sisters dealing with the aftermath of a comet that wiped out most of humanity and turned the rest of them into zombies. These aren’t your ordinary teenagers; they were trained by their Green Beret father to fight and shoot guns. Regina (Catherine Mary Stewart), an usher at El Rey theatre, and her sister Samantha (Kelli Maroney), a cheerleader with a chip on her shoulder, are among the last few survivors and normally this idea would devastate someone, but they have a military father who is never around and a wicked step-mother who treats them badly and hits them. Their mother ran away when they were young so it’s been just the two of them taking care of each other for a long time.  My favorite  Regina and Samantha scene is when they decide that instead of mourning over the loss of humanity, they should go to the mall – because what teenage girl wouldn’t want to go shopping without having to worry about having the money to pay for anything.
Even though I really loved both of these characters, Reggie really had a deep impact on me. I really love that whenever she is faced with someone trying to hurt or kill her, she tried to negotiate with them before resorting to violence, but if it comes to punches or gun fire, she is able to hold her own. She’s also smart – Reggie is the one that figures out the being in a steel enclosure is what saved them from becoming dust or zombies. She was able to rescue and care for two children and escape from an underground lab and she takes care of Sam, emotionally and physically. (I was surprised though that her desire to win over Hector was for sibling rivalry and not to repopulate the earth, but what eighteen year old would be thinking about that). She is an incredibly atypical heroine, which is refreshing.  I love the fact that these two girls weren’t just eye candy that was waiting to be rescued. They took an active role in their own survival. Standard gender roles are a little blurry throughout the film. I started to notice the difference when the first zombie we see kills Larry, the man, instantly and Regina, the woman, fights off the same zombie that and gets away.  When Hector shows up, it is clear that he is not meant to be the hero of the story. He takes a secondary role to two teenage girls, he even gets a small handgun, while the girls get a semi-automatic weapons. I’m impressed that all of the women in this film are strong, nonconforming characters. In most horror movies Reggie and Sam would be dead in the first half hour, but in Night of the Comet they get to not only survive, but exceed the audience’s expectations.
On a side note – I was really intrigued by the zombies. They aren’t the main enemy; in fact they were almost an afterthought and we only see a few throughout the entire film. These zombies are unique though, in that they are not just flesh eating monsters; they are capable of intelligent thought for awhile after they start to turn. They can talk, use weapons and banter with our heroines. I’m a huge zombie fan, so part of me wishes we had just a little more zombie interaction. The mall zombies were great though!
Regina, Hector and the children choose to normalize life even though they are among the last few people on earth. They formed a patriarchal family unit and follow conventional rules. “The whole burden of civilization lies with us.”Sam feels excluded and has less regard for the rules now that all the people are gone, which is apparent when they argue about crossing at the crosswalk against the light. At the end of the movie, after DMK drives off with Sam, I’m left wondering how they will survive. They chose to drive/walk into the proverbial sunset instead of dealing with the problems of long term survival. Night of the Comet takes a lighter approach to a dark situation. Instead of gathering supplies and food, these two girls go to the mall to get a new wardrobe. The film never addresses how they plan to survive or what will happen to them in the future. The girls deal with everything moment by moment, which is a refreshing realistic take on the apocalypse from the perspective of a teenager. I love this movie and give it 4 killer comets!

“What’s the matter? Chainsaw got your tongue?” – Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

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Meet Jack Chandler. He’s a hard boiled private investigator on the trail of a runaway named Samantha. Chandler is a bit preoccupied with a recent series of chainsaw murders. The P.I. is concerned Samantha may have something to do with the murders. He arranges to meet with an unnamed prisoner that fits Samantha’s description. This prisoner was arrested ‘making mcnuggets’ with a chainsaw.

Meanwhile, Mercedes a hard working, working girl, is chatting up construction worker Bo. After flirting for a bit they agree to head back to Mercedes place. She does some light pre-sex prep work, including the donning a hair net and placing a tarp over Elvis. Then they get busy. By busy I mean, Mercedes carves him up like a turkey while a Mysterious Stranger watches from her window.

When Chandler sees the prisoner, it’s clear she isn’t Samantha. Chandler flashes a picture of Samantha and the look the prisoner gives makes he sure he’s on the right track. After stealing a bloody match book from evidence, Chandler heads home to call the number on it. In a short interlude, Lisa, a friend of Mercedes, chainsaws an old man while the same Mysterious Stranger looks on.

The match book number belongs to Mercedes, she and Chandler set a date at the bar. They have a few drinks and Chandler spots Samantha dancing. Sadly, he can’t get to her because Mercedes has drugged him. When he comes to, he is surrounded by the girls, including Samantha. They are shooed out of the room by the Mysterious Stranger. He makes a predictably long villain speech which amounts to this; he is the leader of an ancient Egyptian chainsaw worshiping cult that requires a lot of sacrifices. Currently, the group plans to sacrifice Samantha and Chandler that night. Mysterious Stranger leaves and send the girls back in to kill him. Luckily for Chandler, the girls are out of gas.

With Mercedes and Lisa off getting gas, Sam unties Chandler and tells him she’s here to avenge the death of a friend. They escape and flee to Chandler’s office. Once there Chandler calls the cops and he and Samantha make love. Unfortunately, they decide to break into the warehouse where the sacrifices are to occur and put a stop to them. They are captured instantly. The chainsaw hookers drug Sam so she can be one with the gods for the ritual and they prepare Chandler to be sacrificed. After a very impressive two chainsaw dance Samantha guts Mysterious Stranger and chainsaw duels with Mercedes. Samantha defeats her and the cops arrive in enough time to watch the bad guys go up in smoke. Jack makes Samantha his new secretary and they live happily until the movie ends.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. This movie has everything you could want. It’s a 40s detective story, a revenge story, there are hookers, chainsaws, cults and two scream queens. That’s right, we get Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (McLellan) in this one. They each made about one hundred horror films in the eighties and early nineties. The body count is fairly low at four but, they use the blood of at least ten people. At 72 minutes there’s not even enough time to get bored.

This is a horror comedy that is actually funny, starting with the credits. Which warn that the chainsaws are real and not to try the stunts at home ‘Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex’. We’re off and running from there. Jay Richardson as Chandler is pretty funny. All the dialogue is funny and not accidently either. The casting is fantastic, Linnea and Michelle, as Samantha and Mercedes respectively, are true stand outs. Of course, Gunnar Hansen is playing Mysterious Stranger, you’d think the man would have had enough of chainsaws.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers saves the best for last. Don’t get me wrong, the rest of the movie is bloody, funny, hookery and chainsawy but, the stuff you came for is here. It all gets kicked off with Linnea’s virgin dance of the two chainsaws. My heart rate picked up a bit because I realized, they weren’t fucking around, those are real chainsaws! Surely, the best scene in the movie is the chainsaw duel. I’ve got to hand it to Michelle and Linnea, I don’t think I’d ever be brave enough for a chainsaw fight. It looks like the girls are a little scared but they gave it their all. The movie is entertaining, start to finish. I give it four dueling chainsaws.

Alisa Ramone:

“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” is a hilarious nod to 40’s style detective films complete with a cheesy voice over.  The acting was surprisingly good, the one-liners were great and there was a just the right amount of blood and boobs! The dialogue (especially between Jack and Samantha) was exceptionally hilarious. And even though there were only four deaths, they were each impressive in their own way. I was really excited to see this film and it did not disappoint. It delivers chainsaws and hookers a-plenty, just like the title suggests.

Jack Chandler, a private investigator in Los Angeles, is hired to find a missing girl, Samantha (Linnea Quigley). His search leads him to a cult of chainsaw worshipping hookers led by Gunnar “Leatherface” Hansen. The first hooker we meet is Mercedes (Michelle Bauer). She invites a gentleman from the bar back to her apartment, does a sexy naked dance for him and then hacks him to pieces. She is careful to cover her Elvis poster with plastic and put on a shower cap before splattering his blood all over her naked body. If I were that guy, I would have been a little more freaked out by someone covering their house in plastic and putting on a shower cap before sex. I was glad that the killing was done from the victim’s perspective so that we could see the crazed expression on her face.

The next hooker, Lisa, is asked to pose in lingerie with a baseball bat. She goes along with it for a little while before hitting Herman in the head with a bat and dragging him into the bathtub to slice him to pieces with a chainsaw. This was again from the victim’s perspective, so all you could see was the blood covering Lisa’s naked body. Part of me believes that this was so the audience could see the naked women get covered in blood, but it’s also smart because you really don’t have any special effects to film. The film was shot in 5 ½ days, so they wouldn’t have had much time to stage a scene where a person gets hacked up with a chainsaw.

Later, Jack gets to have a little chat with Leatherface about the origins of the cult.  After listening to his description of the ancient cult that worships chainsaws, I am inclined to agree with Jack that “we have let out religious freedom go too far.” What kind of an ancient cult worships a modern invention? A couple of times in the movie the chainsaw runs out of gas at an inopportune time, this is why ancient Egyptians actually worshipped cats.

Once we finally get to the sacrifice, it’s pretty obvious that the film doesn’t take its self too seriously. There are signs telling our hero/heroine that the “Temple is this way” and the entire ritual is incredibly over the top, but in a good way. At one point the followers even drink motor oil. I really loved the “Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws” performed by Samantha. She dances mostly naked with a chainsaw in each hand, which leads into an amazing chainsaw dual with Mercedes. There are two chainsaw deaths at the ritual, Mercedes and Leatherface, both performed by Samantha. After everyone has either fled or been slaughtered, she and Jack get to walk away mostly unscathed and live happily ever after.

“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” captured my attention right away and was able to keep me interested right up to the very end. This is one of few horror comedies with the right mix of both horror and comedy. I would recommend it to anyone who is a fan of B horror movies and I give it 4 dueling chainsaws!

“I’m so hungry I could eat a whore” – Microwave Massacre

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All Donald wants is a bologna and cheese sandwich. His wife, May, has purchased a new microwave and loves to experiment. Instead of normal lunches she sends him to work with things like an entire crab. After a night of drowning his sorrows, Donald comes home and kills May. He dismembers her and stores her in the freezer.

The next night, Donald goes for a midnight snack and inadvertently ends up snacking on May.He discovers that while her cooking was disgusting, she’s delicious. Donald packs May for lunch the next and ends up sharing with his pals. For once, something May made is edible! The boys complain the meat is a little tough and old but Donald has a plan to fix that.

Donald hits the streets for some take-out. He brings a prostitute named Dee Dee Dee home for dinner and finds he can screw as long as he knows he can eat the woman later. The next day he introduces his friends to some of 3-D. They’re practically begging for more and Donald obliges. The guys begin to eat their way through the United Nations.

Gearing up for a boys night out, the boys come to pick up Donald. They find him dead in front of the microwave, his pacemaker shorted out by the device. Unfortunately, they peek into the microwave and find out what Donald has been feeding them.

Alisa Ramone:

Microwave Massacre claims to be “the worst horror movie ever made.” I don’t think it was actually the worst horror movie that I have ever seen, but it was pretty bad. The story is simple – Donald is an average guy who hates his wife’s “gourmet cooking” and just wants a damn bologna and cheese sandwich (I can’t for the life of me figure out why he can’t just make it himself). After a night of drinking he is fed up about dinner and bludgeons his wife to death with a peppermill. The next morning, he accidentally cooks and eats his wife. After he realizes that he really enjoys the taste, he goes out to look for other women to cook and eat (after having sex with them, of course). How is it possible that he too lazy to make his own sandwich, but he is willing to prepare, cook and eat a whole person? Donald’s transition from average Joe to serial killer/cannibal is pretty farfetched, but I guess it really goes to show that the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I expected the film to be full of blood and gore, but there was almost none. The acting is pretty bad, the jokes aren’t really that funny, the plot was full of holes, and the sound guy couldn’t keep the mic off screen. I almost enjoyed the fact that the microwave finally killed him, but really the only thing in the plus column is the fact that there are lots and lots of boobs! I give it 1.5 microwave ovens.

Bobi Lobotomy:

This whole mess could have been avoided if Donald made his own fucking sandwich. A sandwich is among the easiest complete meals one can assemble. At least six women lost their lives because this fat fuck wouldn’t make his own smelly sandwich. Normally, I don’t mind who dies or why but Donald rubbed me the wrong way. He’s the lovechild of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble and I didn’t like him well enough to forgive him for his bad eating habits.

So, what does this movie offer? Boobs. It’s bursting with boobs. As one character points out the psycho snatching girls is an equal opportunity nut job. Which is true, you get to see a variety of boobs before the girls get chopped. There is even a strange interlude where a semi nude woman is slathered in mayonnaise. This film makes up for the breasts we didn’t see in Terrorvision and Slime City.

Alright, so what else? Hmm, not much. Not much blood. Every dismembered limb looked plastic. No real thrills, cheap or otherwise. Donald was sorta funny. Not laugh out loud funny but maybe smile politely funny. As you watch the film you may become haunted, like I was, as to why Donald sounds familiar. Jackie Vernon was Frosty the Goddamn Snowman. When you grow up Frosty eats prostitutes. I’m giving this one two microwave ovens, I don’t want my hour back but I probably won’t watch it again.

“The slime must be appeased!” – Slime City

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Slime City is the story of Alex, an art student just trying to get some. He rents an apartment from a seemingly sweet old Lizzie to try to sway his girlfriend Lori into ‘sleeping’ over. Roman and Nicole, the building’s other two youth residents take more than a healthy interest in our boy. Nicole practically says ‘Come up and plow me sometime’ and Roman has him over for green pudding and haunted Crème de Methe. Roman explains the goo is Himalayan yogurt made by Lizzie and the wine is made by her dead alchemist father Zachary. Staggering back to his apartment, Alex runs into Nicole. Then they take off their pants and run into each other a few more times. Alex wakes up the next morning covered in slime or possibly melting. He decides to go out for tea and murders a hobo. Before the hobo’s blood is dry, Alex is back to normal. Roman brings by some more goo and Alex hoovers it up. Afterwards, he meets Lori’s parents and ruins dinner with the revelation that he no longer wants to move in with him. He starts to get slimy again and slashes up a prostitute. Finally getting fed up with the slime cycle, Alex confronts Lizzie and Nicole. They reveal he is being fed an elixir and ectoplasmic primer to  allow dear, dead dad, Zachary to take over his body. The rest of Zach’s former cult have taken up residence in Roman, Nicole and neighbor Ruby. Alex swears off the junk, reconciles with Lori and they have sex. Unfortunately, Zachary’s hostile takeover is nearly complete and he attacks Lori. Despite no longer being a virgin, Lori hacks Alex into squirmy little bits and saves herself. After the police investigation, Ruby and Lizzie are attempting to rent Alex’s old place to the detective on the case. BUM BUM BUUUH!

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Alisa Ramone:

Slime City is a low budget classic that has all of key elements necessary to win me over. It was one of those movies that was so bad it was good. They just don’t make movies like this anymore. The only thing missing was a little nudity. I was sad that not even the prostitute gets naked. When you watch as many bad horror movies as we have, you just come to expect it.  The film totally made up for it in the last 15 minutes though!
Despite the cheesy script, the acting was actually pretty good. Robert C. Sabin (Alex) was both a believable monster and boy next door and Mary Huner was a really good choice to play Lori (protagonist)/Nicole (antagonist). Nicole’s wig was pretty distracting though because I didn’t even realize they were the same person until well after the movie was over.  Bob and I were trying to decide if that was due to budget issues or if it was a stylistic choice.
I thought it was really interesting that sex was Alex’s motive for moving into the building and even after he convinced Lori to sleep with him, she still killed him. Typically the devirginizing of a female character makes her less likely to be the last one standing, but not in Slime City. All of the women in this film are in control in some way.  The crazy old ladies try to steal his body on behalf of a cult leader, Nicole seduces him and gets him hooked on Slime and Lori refuses to give into him sexually or emotionally until the end.  I also love the fact the when Alex doesn’t get any sweet lovin’ from Lori, he gets it from Nicole (who is played by the same actress).  A big theme in the film is clearly sexual frustration/repression. I still can’t figure of why Alex’s hair goes grey throughout the movie and why no one seemed to notice though.
One of the more memorable scenes for me was when homicidal Alex gets stabbed in the stomach by a gang member. His stomach transformed into an opening with teeth and ate the gang member’s hand. That stomach mouth thing looked a lot like a vagina (the most nudity in the film) and the gang member just laid on the ground yelling and bleeding out of his stump.
Now on to the awesome parts! The last 15 minutes of this film were so epic.  Lori stabbed a clever into Alex’s neck, stabbed him with a fork, disemboweled him, cut off his hand and beheaded him. All of this action took place on a floor that looks like a chess/checker board. After the disembowelment, Alex tried to scoop up his intestines (hot dogs and scrambled eggs) and shove them back into his stomach and when she finally cut off his head we saw some more eggs and hot dogs fall down around it. The best part of the final battle was when his little brain decided to crawl across the floor. I was impressed by both the complete lack of budget available for the special effects and by how wonderful they turned out anyways.
Anyone who claims to be a fan of B horror movies should really see Slime City.  I know I didn’t actually discuss the slime at all, but I can assure you that there is a lot of slime and it is glorious. I give it four scooting brains!

Bobi Lobotomy:

I thought there would be more slime. More blood wouldn’t have hurt either. To me, the entire film is made worthwhile by the last ten minutes. The acting is, surprisingly, not bad. It makes the film more watchable but loses points in the comedy department. Normally, that isn’t an issue but for being billed as a horror comedy it’s severely lacking in funny. The first and only time I laughed was during the last ten minutes. I’m tempted to think that the budget only allowed for ten minutes of awesome and eighty minutes of eh. Overall, Slime City has its charms but it’s not my favorite.

Mary Huner wears a very distracting wig when she is playing Nicole. It’s so distracting in fact, that I didn’t realize she was also playing Lori until after the movie. She looked a bit like a low rent, goth Cher impersonator. Maybe this was one of those jokes the film was supposed to have.

Slime City’s body count is four and an arm. We’ve got a bludgeoning, a slashing, a head bashing, stomach vs. arm bite-off and a decapitation/partial dismemberment. The film really shows what it can do when Alex’s stomach bites the arm off of a gang member. That scene really gives you a good, slimy mouth full of what the finale is serving up. My favorite scene in the movie is when Lori slashes Alex’s stomach and disembowels him. Part of me wondered what happened to the mouth that just ate some guy’s arm. When hot dogs and scrambled eggs came spilling out of the wound, all slights were forgiven. Then when Alex stoops and tucks all the hot dogs and eggs back into his stomach, I was finally won over. I won’t ruin all the finale has to offer, rest assured it’s worth waiting to see. I give the entire film two scooting brains but the finale gets five.

Holy Tomato! It’s Terrorvision

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Stanley Putterman is installing a new satellite dish for his “pleasure palace”. The dish salesman is no help and things are going poorly when the dish is struck by ‘lightning’. Actually, the lightning is space trash in  the form of pure energy. Putterman’s dish is now working and home to a ravenous space monster.

With the dish setup Stanley and wife, Raquel head out for an evening of swinging. Daughter Suzie heads out with O.D., W.A.S.P.’s biggest fan. This leaves son Sherman at home eating lizard tails and watching monster flicks with Grandpa. Elvira rip-off, Medusa is constantly interrupted by the actual monster trapped in the signal.

After a little technicolor lightning, our space friend has eaten the dish repairman and Grandpa. Sherman calls the police and Medusa but neither believe that a monster ate Grandpa. When Mom and Dad come home with their swing partners, they lock Sherman in Grandpa’s survival bunker. Sherman learns the monster can take the form of anyone he eats. However, the alien is hungry again and all four adults become monster chow.

Shortly after Sherman blasts out of the bunker, Suzie and O.D. drop in. Again, poor Sherman is met with disbelief until the alien manifests. The alien chases the kids through the house until the sight of O.D.’s studded wrist band reminds the space puppy of his former master. The kids start to treat the monster like ET, showing him the joys of food, music and television. Suzie and Sherman call horror host Medusa once more to try the get the alien on television. A knock on the door and a lack of commercial free programming lead to the end of O.D. The knock on the door is an officer coming to arrest Sherman for making crank calls, the monster swiftly deal with him.

Suzie and Sherman arm themselves from Grandpa’s bunker. They receive a visitor in the form of the alien sanitation technician responsible for their predicament. As he is explaining how he can help, Medusa arrives and kills him, thinking she is helping. The alien eats them. Taking Medusa’s form, the monster catches a ride back to the studio with her driver.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

To me, Terrorvision is, almost, that perfect fusion of consciously campy and accidentally awful.
The family is a bunch hapless, nearly endearing, idiots. Think the Griswolds meet ET with an
eating disorder. Everyone is more caricature than character and each more over the top than
the last. All of this is ok, Terrorvision is neither serious nor frightening and it doesn’t set out to
be.
Terrorvision’s theme song should be enough the let you know what’s coming your way. ‘I dance
by the light of the t.v. screen… I watch the Medusa’s eyes turn green but my own reflection I’ve
never seen’. The cheesy sound effect that accompanies The Hungry Beast pinballing through
space should be your signal to cut your losses now or cross the point of no return. Then we
meet the family: Grandpa spends his days downtown handling out literature about lizard tails as
a self sustaining food source, Mom is desperately trying to do her work out routine in heels, Dad
dresses like Disco Stu, Suzie looks like the bastard offspring of Cyndi Lauper and Rainbow Brite
and Sherman dresses like a mini commando and is under psychiatric evaluation. Grandpa and
Suzie are easily the most amusing. However, we spend the most time with Sherman, while not
unsympathetic, was the most overacted and hard to choke down. Although, there is something
to be said for being the most unbelievable character in a movie about a blood thirsty, mutant
space dog. Outside the family we have: Not-Elvira, Medusa, hyper-sexual, late night horror host
and O.D. Reily, Suzie’s none-too-bright boyfriend, looking something like a scarecrow made of
spare parts of Motley Crue.
Notice I’ve said little about The Hungry Beast? All the other character upstage him. He has
three eyes, a pincher thing and leaves a trail of slime where he eats. The Hungry Beast looks
like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock, if Henson’s QC department was napping. All told, he’s
still pretty damn likeable, I didn’t mind when he ate the entire cast.
I’m getting long-winded, so I’ll wrap it up. There is no blood or gore in Terrorvision, only slime.
There are also no human breasts, just nudie statues and PG-13 wall art. Despite a body count
of twelve, Alisa remarked that it could be shown to children. I’m not sure I agree but I was
allowed to watch worse in my youth. Overall, I give it three and a half evil satellite dishes. Watch
it!

Alisa Ramone:

My initial reaction to TerrorVision wasn’t positive at all. I was way too over the top for my taste. All the characters were quintessential 80’s stereo-types on steroids and the plot was derivative at best. The monster (space dog) looked like it was created by a kindergarten class using Elmer’s glue (I’m impressed that he was somehow likeable though). The movie spends most of the time bouncing between surreal and stupid and the special effects were terrible (not in that good B horror movie way).

The Good

Nipple fountains are a good way to win me over! I loved the fact that almost every one of these atrocious characters was eaten by a space dog. Watching Pluthar’s head explode in his space suit was pretty amazing too. I loved Diane Franklin! She was wonderful! Overall, the best part of the film has to be the theme song – by a landslide.

Summary

I wouldn’t call this film good by any stretch of the imagination, but it was slightly entertaining at times. I do not, however, feel that it was the “good” kind of bad horror movie. I would give it two evil satellite dishes.