“What’s the matter? Chainsaw got your tongue?” – Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

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Meet Jack Chandler. He’s a hard boiled private investigator on the trail of a runaway named Samantha. Chandler is a bit preoccupied with a recent series of chainsaw murders. The P.I. is concerned Samantha may have something to do with the murders. He arranges to meet with an unnamed prisoner that fits Samantha’s description. This prisoner was arrested ‘making mcnuggets’ with a chainsaw.

Meanwhile, Mercedes a hard working, working girl, is chatting up construction worker Bo. After flirting for a bit they agree to head back to Mercedes place. She does some light pre-sex prep work, including the donning a hair net and placing a tarp over Elvis. Then they get busy. By busy I mean, Mercedes carves him up like a turkey while a Mysterious Stranger watches from her window.

When Chandler sees the prisoner, it’s clear she isn’t Samantha. Chandler flashes a picture of Samantha and the look the prisoner gives makes he sure he’s on the right track. After stealing a bloody match book from evidence, Chandler heads home to call the number on it. In a short interlude, Lisa, a friend of Mercedes, chainsaws an old man while the same Mysterious Stranger looks on.

The match book number belongs to Mercedes, she and Chandler set a date at the bar. They have a few drinks and Chandler spots Samantha dancing. Sadly, he can’t get to her because Mercedes has drugged him. When he comes to, he is surrounded by the girls, including Samantha. They are shooed out of the room by the Mysterious Stranger. He makes a predictably long villain speech which amounts to this; he is the leader of an ancient Egyptian chainsaw worshiping cult that requires a lot of sacrifices. Currently, the group plans to sacrifice Samantha and Chandler that night. Mysterious Stranger leaves and send the girls back in to kill him. Luckily for Chandler, the girls are out of gas.

With Mercedes and Lisa off getting gas, Sam unties Chandler and tells him she’s here to avenge the death of a friend. They escape and flee to Chandler’s office. Once there Chandler calls the cops and he and Samantha make love. Unfortunately, they decide to break into the warehouse where the sacrifices are to occur and put a stop to them. They are captured instantly. The chainsaw hookers drug Sam so she can be one with the gods for the ritual and they prepare Chandler to be sacrificed. After a very impressive two chainsaw dance Samantha guts Mysterious Stranger and chainsaw duels with Mercedes. Samantha defeats her and the cops arrive in enough time to watch the bad guys go up in smoke. Jack makes Samantha his new secretary and they live happily until the movie ends.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. This movie has everything you could want. It’s a 40s detective story, a revenge story, there are hookers, chainsaws, cults and two scream queens. That’s right, we get Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (McLellan) in this one. They each made about one hundred horror films in the eighties and early nineties. The body count is fairly low at four but, they use the blood of at least ten people. At 72 minutes there’s not even enough time to get bored.

This is a horror comedy that is actually funny, starting with the credits. Which warn that the chainsaws are real and not to try the stunts at home ‘Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex’. We’re off and running from there. Jay Richardson as Chandler is pretty funny. All the dialogue is funny and not accidently either. The casting is fantastic, Linnea and Michelle, as Samantha and Mercedes respectively, are true stand outs. Of course, Gunnar Hansen is playing Mysterious Stranger, you’d think the man would have had enough of chainsaws.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers saves the best for last. Don’t get me wrong, the rest of the movie is bloody, funny, hookery and chainsawy but, the stuff you came for is here. It all gets kicked off with Linnea’s virgin dance of the two chainsaws. My heart rate picked up a bit because I realized, they weren’t fucking around, those are real chainsaws! Surely, the best scene in the movie is the chainsaw duel. I’ve got to hand it to Michelle and Linnea, I don’t think I’d ever be brave enough for a chainsaw fight. It looks like the girls are a little scared but they gave it their all. The movie is entertaining, start to finish. I give it four dueling chainsaws.

Alisa Ramone:

“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” is a hilarious nod to 40’s style detective films complete with a cheesy voice over.  The acting was surprisingly good, the one-liners were great and there was a just the right amount of blood and boobs! The dialogue (especially between Jack and Samantha) was exceptionally hilarious. And even though there were only four deaths, they were each impressive in their own way. I was really excited to see this film and it did not disappoint. It delivers chainsaws and hookers a-plenty, just like the title suggests.

Jack Chandler, a private investigator in Los Angeles, is hired to find a missing girl, Samantha (Linnea Quigley). His search leads him to a cult of chainsaw worshipping hookers led by Gunnar “Leatherface” Hansen. The first hooker we meet is Mercedes (Michelle Bauer). She invites a gentleman from the bar back to her apartment, does a sexy naked dance for him and then hacks him to pieces. She is careful to cover her Elvis poster with plastic and put on a shower cap before splattering his blood all over her naked body. If I were that guy, I would have been a little more freaked out by someone covering their house in plastic and putting on a shower cap before sex. I was glad that the killing was done from the victim’s perspective so that we could see the crazed expression on her face.

The next hooker, Lisa, is asked to pose in lingerie with a baseball bat. She goes along with it for a little while before hitting Herman in the head with a bat and dragging him into the bathtub to slice him to pieces with a chainsaw. This was again from the victim’s perspective, so all you could see was the blood covering Lisa’s naked body. Part of me believes that this was so the audience could see the naked women get covered in blood, but it’s also smart because you really don’t have any special effects to film. The film was shot in 5 ½ days, so they wouldn’t have had much time to stage a scene where a person gets hacked up with a chainsaw.

Later, Jack gets to have a little chat with Leatherface about the origins of the cult.  After listening to his description of the ancient cult that worships chainsaws, I am inclined to agree with Jack that “we have let out religious freedom go too far.” What kind of an ancient cult worships a modern invention? A couple of times in the movie the chainsaw runs out of gas at an inopportune time, this is why ancient Egyptians actually worshipped cats.

Once we finally get to the sacrifice, it’s pretty obvious that the film doesn’t take its self too seriously. There are signs telling our hero/heroine that the “Temple is this way” and the entire ritual is incredibly over the top, but in a good way. At one point the followers even drink motor oil. I really loved the “Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws” performed by Samantha. She dances mostly naked with a chainsaw in each hand, which leads into an amazing chainsaw dual with Mercedes. There are two chainsaw deaths at the ritual, Mercedes and Leatherface, both performed by Samantha. After everyone has either fled or been slaughtered, she and Jack get to walk away mostly unscathed and live happily ever after.

“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” captured my attention right away and was able to keep me interested right up to the very end. This is one of few horror comedies with the right mix of both horror and comedy. I would recommend it to anyone who is a fan of B horror movies and I give it 4 dueling chainsaws!

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16 responses to ““What’s the matter? Chainsaw got your tongue?” – Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

  1. Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer were just at Cinema Wasteland in Clevaland this October too! I couldn’t believe how friendly Linnea was….and they both still look incredible.

  2. I’ve been really down today, and reading that has put a smile on my face. I love the idea of and ancient Egyptian chainsaw worshiping cult.

  3. Darin here from Webgoji’s Ramblings. I must say I love the stuff you’re reviewing, brings me waaaay back and you’ve really dug up some stinkers! Any chance we’re going to see your take on “C.H.U.D.” or “Alligator”? Of course anything Troma is probably a good pick as well. Anyway, keep up the good work!

    By the way, I would like to include Bad Horror, Good Times on my blogroll. With your permission I would like to link your site on my page. Just let me know!

    • Hey Darin! All that praise is going to make us blush. We’ll probably do C.H.U.D. if for no other reason than to do C.H.U.D. 2. We would love to be on you blogroll! I’ll get one going for us to add you. You’ll be a little lonely to start, if that’s alright?

      • C.H.U.D. 2! Holy cow I forgot about that train wreck! Perfect!

        I would be honored. You know what they say, loneliness is next to … uh, well I guess it isn’t next to anything now that I think about it. That’s why it’s loneliness. Hmmm …

        Anyway, I’m working on getting a pretty good blogroll going (two or three more authors hopefully) so we’ll see if we can’t get some traffic coming your way!

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