“What’s the matter? Chainsaw got your tongue?” – Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers

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Meet Jack Chandler. He’s a hard boiled private investigator on the trail of a runaway named Samantha. Chandler is a bit preoccupied with a recent series of chainsaw murders. The P.I. is concerned Samantha may have something to do with the murders. He arranges to meet with an unnamed prisoner that fits Samantha’s description. This prisoner was arrested ‘making mcnuggets’ with a chainsaw.

Meanwhile, Mercedes a hard working, working girl, is chatting up construction worker Bo. After flirting for a bit they agree to head back to Mercedes place. She does some light pre-sex prep work, including the donning a hair net and placing a tarp over Elvis. Then they get busy. By busy I mean, Mercedes carves him up like a turkey while a Mysterious Stranger watches from her window.

When Chandler sees the prisoner, it’s clear she isn’t Samantha. Chandler flashes a picture of Samantha and the look the prisoner gives makes he sure he’s on the right track. After stealing a bloody match book from evidence, Chandler heads home to call the number on it. In a short interlude, Lisa, a friend of Mercedes, chainsaws an old man while the same Mysterious Stranger looks on.

The match book number belongs to Mercedes, she and Chandler set a date at the bar. They have a few drinks and Chandler spots Samantha dancing. Sadly, he can’t get to her because Mercedes has drugged him. When he comes to, he is surrounded by the girls, including Samantha. They are shooed out of the room by the Mysterious Stranger. He makes a predictably long villain speech which amounts to this; he is the leader of an ancient Egyptian chainsaw worshiping cult that requires a lot of sacrifices. Currently, the group plans to sacrifice Samantha and Chandler that night. Mysterious Stranger leaves and send the girls back in to kill him. Luckily for Chandler, the girls are out of gas.

With Mercedes and Lisa off getting gas, Sam unties Chandler and tells him she’s here to avenge the death of a friend. They escape and flee to Chandler’s office. Once there Chandler calls the cops and he and Samantha make love. Unfortunately, they decide to break into the warehouse where the sacrifices are to occur and put a stop to them. They are captured instantly. The chainsaw hookers drug Sam so she can be one with the gods for the ritual and they prepare Chandler to be sacrificed. After a very impressive two chainsaw dance Samantha guts Mysterious Stranger and chainsaw duels with Mercedes. Samantha defeats her and the cops arrive in enough time to watch the bad guys go up in smoke. Jack makes Samantha his new secretary and they live happily until the movie ends.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

Two words: Chainsaw. Duel. This movie has everything you could want. It’s a 40s detective story, a revenge story, there are hookers, chainsaws, cults and two scream queens. That’s right, we get Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer (McLellan) in this one. They each made about one hundred horror films in the eighties and early nineties. The body count is fairly low at four but, they use the blood of at least ten people. At 72 minutes there’s not even enough time to get bored.

This is a horror comedy that is actually funny, starting with the credits. Which warn that the chainsaws are real and not to try the stunts at home ‘Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex’. We’re off and running from there. Jay Richardson as Chandler is pretty funny. All the dialogue is funny and not accidently either. The casting is fantastic, Linnea and Michelle, as Samantha and Mercedes respectively, are true stand outs. Of course, Gunnar Hansen is playing Mysterious Stranger, you’d think the man would have had enough of chainsaws.

Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers saves the best for last. Don’t get me wrong, the rest of the movie is bloody, funny, hookery and chainsawy but, the stuff you came for is here. It all gets kicked off with Linnea’s virgin dance of the two chainsaws. My heart rate picked up a bit because I realized, they weren’t fucking around, those are real chainsaws! Surely, the best scene in the movie is the chainsaw duel. I’ve got to hand it to Michelle and Linnea, I don’t think I’d ever be brave enough for a chainsaw fight. It looks like the girls are a little scared but they gave it their all. The movie is entertaining, start to finish. I give it four dueling chainsaws.

Alisa Ramone:

“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” is a hilarious nod to 40’s style detective films complete with a cheesy voice over.  The acting was surprisingly good, the one-liners were great and there was a just the right amount of blood and boobs! The dialogue (especially between Jack and Samantha) was exceptionally hilarious. And even though there were only four deaths, they were each impressive in their own way. I was really excited to see this film and it did not disappoint. It delivers chainsaws and hookers a-plenty, just like the title suggests.

Jack Chandler, a private investigator in Los Angeles, is hired to find a missing girl, Samantha (Linnea Quigley). His search leads him to a cult of chainsaw worshipping hookers led by Gunnar “Leatherface” Hansen. The first hooker we meet is Mercedes (Michelle Bauer). She invites a gentleman from the bar back to her apartment, does a sexy naked dance for him and then hacks him to pieces. She is careful to cover her Elvis poster with plastic and put on a shower cap before splattering his blood all over her naked body. If I were that guy, I would have been a little more freaked out by someone covering their house in plastic and putting on a shower cap before sex. I was glad that the killing was done from the victim’s perspective so that we could see the crazed expression on her face.

The next hooker, Lisa, is asked to pose in lingerie with a baseball bat. She goes along with it for a little while before hitting Herman in the head with a bat and dragging him into the bathtub to slice him to pieces with a chainsaw. This was again from the victim’s perspective, so all you could see was the blood covering Lisa’s naked body. Part of me believes that this was so the audience could see the naked women get covered in blood, but it’s also smart because you really don’t have any special effects to film. The film was shot in 5 ½ days, so they wouldn’t have had much time to stage a scene where a person gets hacked up with a chainsaw.

Later, Jack gets to have a little chat with Leatherface about the origins of the cult.  After listening to his description of the ancient cult that worships chainsaws, I am inclined to agree with Jack that “we have let out religious freedom go too far.” What kind of an ancient cult worships a modern invention? A couple of times in the movie the chainsaw runs out of gas at an inopportune time, this is why ancient Egyptians actually worshipped cats.

Once we finally get to the sacrifice, it’s pretty obvious that the film doesn’t take its self too seriously. There are signs telling our hero/heroine that the “Temple is this way” and the entire ritual is incredibly over the top, but in a good way. At one point the followers even drink motor oil. I really loved the “Virgin Dance of the Double Chainsaws” performed by Samantha. She dances mostly naked with a chainsaw in each hand, which leads into an amazing chainsaw dual with Mercedes. There are two chainsaw deaths at the ritual, Mercedes and Leatherface, both performed by Samantha. After everyone has either fled or been slaughtered, she and Jack get to walk away mostly unscathed and live happily ever after.

“Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers” captured my attention right away and was able to keep me interested right up to the very end. This is one of few horror comedies with the right mix of both horror and comedy. I would recommend it to anyone who is a fan of B horror movies and I give it 4 dueling chainsaws!

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“I’m so hungry I could eat a whore” – Microwave Massacre

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All Donald wants is a bologna and cheese sandwich. His wife, May, has purchased a new microwave and loves to experiment. Instead of normal lunches she sends him to work with things like an entire crab. After a night of drowning his sorrows, Donald comes home and kills May. He dismembers her and stores her in the freezer.

The next night, Donald goes for a midnight snack and inadvertently ends up snacking on May.He discovers that while her cooking was disgusting, she’s delicious. Donald packs May for lunch the next and ends up sharing with his pals. For once, something May made is edible! The boys complain the meat is a little tough and old but Donald has a plan to fix that.

Donald hits the streets for some take-out. He brings a prostitute named Dee Dee Dee home for dinner and finds he can screw as long as he knows he can eat the woman later. The next day he introduces his friends to some of 3-D. They’re practically begging for more and Donald obliges. The guys begin to eat their way through the United Nations.

Gearing up for a boys night out, the boys come to pick up Donald. They find him dead in front of the microwave, his pacemaker shorted out by the device. Unfortunately, they peek into the microwave and find out what Donald has been feeding them.

Alisa Ramone:

Microwave Massacre claims to be “the worst horror movie ever made.” I don’t think it was actually the worst horror movie that I have ever seen, but it was pretty bad. The story is simple – Donald is an average guy who hates his wife’s “gourmet cooking” and just wants a damn bologna and cheese sandwich (I can’t for the life of me figure out why he can’t just make it himself). After a night of drinking he is fed up about dinner and bludgeons his wife to death with a peppermill. The next morning, he accidentally cooks and eats his wife. After he realizes that he really enjoys the taste, he goes out to look for other women to cook and eat (after having sex with them, of course). How is it possible that he too lazy to make his own sandwich, but he is willing to prepare, cook and eat a whole person? Donald’s transition from average Joe to serial killer/cannibal is pretty farfetched, but I guess it really goes to show that the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I expected the film to be full of blood and gore, but there was almost none. The acting is pretty bad, the jokes aren’t really that funny, the plot was full of holes, and the sound guy couldn’t keep the mic off screen. I almost enjoyed the fact that the microwave finally killed him, but really the only thing in the plus column is the fact that there are lots and lots of boobs! I give it 1.5 microwave ovens.

Bobi Lobotomy:

This whole mess could have been avoided if Donald made his own fucking sandwich. A sandwich is among the easiest complete meals one can assemble. At least six women lost their lives because this fat fuck wouldn’t make his own smelly sandwich. Normally, I don’t mind who dies or why but Donald rubbed me the wrong way. He’s the lovechild of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble and I didn’t like him well enough to forgive him for his bad eating habits.

So, what does this movie offer? Boobs. It’s bursting with boobs. As one character points out the psycho snatching girls is an equal opportunity nut job. Which is true, you get to see a variety of boobs before the girls get chopped. There is even a strange interlude where a semi nude woman is slathered in mayonnaise. This film makes up for the breasts we didn’t see in Terrorvision and Slime City.

Alright, so what else? Hmm, not much. Not much blood. Every dismembered limb looked plastic. No real thrills, cheap or otherwise. Donald was sorta funny. Not laugh out loud funny but maybe smile politely funny. As you watch the film you may become haunted, like I was, as to why Donald sounds familiar. Jackie Vernon was Frosty the Goddamn Snowman. When you grow up Frosty eats prostitutes. I’m giving this one two microwave ovens, I don’t want my hour back but I probably won’t watch it again.

“The slime must be appeased!” – Slime City

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Slime City is the story of Alex, an art student just trying to get some. He rents an apartment from a seemingly sweet old Lizzie to try to sway his girlfriend Lori into ‘sleeping’ over. Roman and Nicole, the building’s other two youth residents take more than a healthy interest in our boy. Nicole practically says ‘Come up and plow me sometime’ and Roman has him over for green pudding and haunted Crème de Methe. Roman explains the goo is Himalayan yogurt made by Lizzie and the wine is made by her dead alchemist father Zachary. Staggering back to his apartment, Alex runs into Nicole. Then they take off their pants and run into each other a few more times. Alex wakes up the next morning covered in slime or possibly melting. He decides to go out for tea and murders a hobo. Before the hobo’s blood is dry, Alex is back to normal. Roman brings by some more goo and Alex hoovers it up. Afterwards, he meets Lori’s parents and ruins dinner with the revelation that he no longer wants to move in with him. He starts to get slimy again and slashes up a prostitute. Finally getting fed up with the slime cycle, Alex confronts Lizzie and Nicole. They reveal he is being fed an elixir and ectoplasmic primer to  allow dear, dead dad, Zachary to take over his body. The rest of Zach’s former cult have taken up residence in Roman, Nicole and neighbor Ruby. Alex swears off the junk, reconciles with Lori and they have sex. Unfortunately, Zachary’s hostile takeover is nearly complete and he attacks Lori. Despite no longer being a virgin, Lori hacks Alex into squirmy little bits and saves herself. After the police investigation, Ruby and Lizzie are attempting to rent Alex’s old place to the detective on the case. BUM BUM BUUUH!

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Alisa Ramone:

Slime City is a low budget classic that has all of key elements necessary to win me over. It was one of those movies that was so bad it was good. They just don’t make movies like this anymore. The only thing missing was a little nudity. I was sad that not even the prostitute gets naked. When you watch as many bad horror movies as we have, you just come to expect it.  The film totally made up for it in the last 15 minutes though!
Despite the cheesy script, the acting was actually pretty good. Robert C. Sabin (Alex) was both a believable monster and boy next door and Mary Huner was a really good choice to play Lori (protagonist)/Nicole (antagonist). Nicole’s wig was pretty distracting though because I didn’t even realize they were the same person until well after the movie was over.  Bob and I were trying to decide if that was due to budget issues or if it was a stylistic choice.
I thought it was really interesting that sex was Alex’s motive for moving into the building and even after he convinced Lori to sleep with him, she still killed him. Typically the devirginizing of a female character makes her less likely to be the last one standing, but not in Slime City. All of the women in this film are in control in some way.  The crazy old ladies try to steal his body on behalf of a cult leader, Nicole seduces him and gets him hooked on Slime and Lori refuses to give into him sexually or emotionally until the end.  I also love the fact the when Alex doesn’t get any sweet lovin’ from Lori, he gets it from Nicole (who is played by the same actress).  A big theme in the film is clearly sexual frustration/repression. I still can’t figure of why Alex’s hair goes grey throughout the movie and why no one seemed to notice though.
One of the more memorable scenes for me was when homicidal Alex gets stabbed in the stomach by a gang member. His stomach transformed into an opening with teeth and ate the gang member’s hand. That stomach mouth thing looked a lot like a vagina (the most nudity in the film) and the gang member just laid on the ground yelling and bleeding out of his stump.
Now on to the awesome parts! The last 15 minutes of this film were so epic.  Lori stabbed a clever into Alex’s neck, stabbed him with a fork, disemboweled him, cut off his hand and beheaded him. All of this action took place on a floor that looks like a chess/checker board. After the disembowelment, Alex tried to scoop up his intestines (hot dogs and scrambled eggs) and shove them back into his stomach and when she finally cut off his head we saw some more eggs and hot dogs fall down around it. The best part of the final battle was when his little brain decided to crawl across the floor. I was impressed by both the complete lack of budget available for the special effects and by how wonderful they turned out anyways.
Anyone who claims to be a fan of B horror movies should really see Slime City.  I know I didn’t actually discuss the slime at all, but I can assure you that there is a lot of slime and it is glorious. I give it four scooting brains!

Bobi Lobotomy:

I thought there would be more slime. More blood wouldn’t have hurt either. To me, the entire film is made worthwhile by the last ten minutes. The acting is, surprisingly, not bad. It makes the film more watchable but loses points in the comedy department. Normally, that isn’t an issue but for being billed as a horror comedy it’s severely lacking in funny. The first and only time I laughed was during the last ten minutes. I’m tempted to think that the budget only allowed for ten minutes of awesome and eighty minutes of eh. Overall, Slime City has its charms but it’s not my favorite.

Mary Huner wears a very distracting wig when she is playing Nicole. It’s so distracting in fact, that I didn’t realize she was also playing Lori until after the movie. She looked a bit like a low rent, goth Cher impersonator. Maybe this was one of those jokes the film was supposed to have.

Slime City’s body count is four and an arm. We’ve got a bludgeoning, a slashing, a head bashing, stomach vs. arm bite-off and a decapitation/partial dismemberment. The film really shows what it can do when Alex’s stomach bites the arm off of a gang member. That scene really gives you a good, slimy mouth full of what the finale is serving up. My favorite scene in the movie is when Lori slashes Alex’s stomach and disembowels him. Part of me wondered what happened to the mouth that just ate some guy’s arm. When hot dogs and scrambled eggs came spilling out of the wound, all slights were forgiven. Then when Alex stoops and tucks all the hot dogs and eggs back into his stomach, I was finally won over. I won’t ruin all the finale has to offer, rest assured it’s worth waiting to see. I give the entire film two scooting brains but the finale gets five.

Holy Tomato! It’s Terrorvision

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Stanley Putterman is installing a new satellite dish for his “pleasure palace”. The dish salesman is no help and things are going poorly when the dish is struck by ‘lightning’. Actually, the lightning is space trash in  the form of pure energy. Putterman’s dish is now working and home to a ravenous space monster.

With the dish setup Stanley and wife, Raquel head out for an evening of swinging. Daughter Suzie heads out with O.D., W.A.S.P.’s biggest fan. This leaves son Sherman at home eating lizard tails and watching monster flicks with Grandpa. Elvira rip-off, Medusa is constantly interrupted by the actual monster trapped in the signal.

After a little technicolor lightning, our space friend has eaten the dish repairman and Grandpa. Sherman calls the police and Medusa but neither believe that a monster ate Grandpa. When Mom and Dad come home with their swing partners, they lock Sherman in Grandpa’s survival bunker. Sherman learns the monster can take the form of anyone he eats. However, the alien is hungry again and all four adults become monster chow.

Shortly after Sherman blasts out of the bunker, Suzie and O.D. drop in. Again, poor Sherman is met with disbelief until the alien manifests. The alien chases the kids through the house until the sight of O.D.’s studded wrist band reminds the space puppy of his former master. The kids start to treat the monster like ET, showing him the joys of food, music and television. Suzie and Sherman call horror host Medusa once more to try the get the alien on television. A knock on the door and a lack of commercial free programming lead to the end of O.D. The knock on the door is an officer coming to arrest Sherman for making crank calls, the monster swiftly deal with him.

Suzie and Sherman arm themselves from Grandpa’s bunker. They receive a visitor in the form of the alien sanitation technician responsible for their predicament. As he is explaining how he can help, Medusa arrives and kills him, thinking she is helping. The alien eats them. Taking Medusa’s form, the monster catches a ride back to the studio with her driver.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

To me, Terrorvision is, almost, that perfect fusion of consciously campy and accidentally awful.
The family is a bunch hapless, nearly endearing, idiots. Think the Griswolds meet ET with an
eating disorder. Everyone is more caricature than character and each more over the top than
the last. All of this is ok, Terrorvision is neither serious nor frightening and it doesn’t set out to
be.
Terrorvision’s theme song should be enough the let you know what’s coming your way. ‘I dance
by the light of the t.v. screen… I watch the Medusa’s eyes turn green but my own reflection I’ve
never seen’. The cheesy sound effect that accompanies The Hungry Beast pinballing through
space should be your signal to cut your losses now or cross the point of no return. Then we
meet the family: Grandpa spends his days downtown handling out literature about lizard tails as
a self sustaining food source, Mom is desperately trying to do her work out routine in heels, Dad
dresses like Disco Stu, Suzie looks like the bastard offspring of Cyndi Lauper and Rainbow Brite
and Sherman dresses like a mini commando and is under psychiatric evaluation. Grandpa and
Suzie are easily the most amusing. However, we spend the most time with Sherman, while not
unsympathetic, was the most overacted and hard to choke down. Although, there is something
to be said for being the most unbelievable character in a movie about a blood thirsty, mutant
space dog. Outside the family we have: Not-Elvira, Medusa, hyper-sexual, late night horror host
and O.D. Reily, Suzie’s none-too-bright boyfriend, looking something like a scarecrow made of
spare parts of Motley Crue.
Notice I’ve said little about The Hungry Beast? All the other character upstage him. He has
three eyes, a pincher thing and leaves a trail of slime where he eats. The Hungry Beast looks
like the Trash Heap from Fraggle Rock, if Henson’s QC department was napping. All told, he’s
still pretty damn likeable, I didn’t mind when he ate the entire cast.
I’m getting long-winded, so I’ll wrap it up. There is no blood or gore in Terrorvision, only slime.
There are also no human breasts, just nudie statues and PG-13 wall art. Despite a body count
of twelve, Alisa remarked that it could be shown to children. I’m not sure I agree but I was
allowed to watch worse in my youth. Overall, I give it three and a half evil satellite dishes. Watch
it!

Alisa Ramone:

My initial reaction to TerrorVision wasn’t positive at all. I was way too over the top for my taste. All the characters were quintessential 80’s stereo-types on steroids and the plot was derivative at best. The monster (space dog) looked like it was created by a kindergarten class using Elmer’s glue (I’m impressed that he was somehow likeable though). The movie spends most of the time bouncing between surreal and stupid and the special effects were terrible (not in that good B horror movie way).

The Good

Nipple fountains are a good way to win me over! I loved the fact that almost every one of these atrocious characters was eaten by a space dog. Watching Pluthar’s head explode in his space suit was pretty amazing too. I loved Diane Franklin! She was wonderful! Overall, the best part of the film has to be the theme song – by a landslide.

Summary

I wouldn’t call this film good by any stretch of the imagination, but it was slightly entertaining at times. I do not, however, feel that it was the “good” kind of bad horror movie. I would give it two evil satellite dishes.

The Return of the Living Blog!

Alisa Ramone and Bobi Lobotomy here, reviewing the best (and worst) of the bad in horror. We are working from what we believe to be a comprehensive list of ’80’s horror. You’ll be getting the worst the decade has to offer. Not everything will be from the ’80’s, be ready for anything we might throw at you.

The two of us rarely agree on what makes a bad film great. For both of us though, the campier the movie the better. Alisa does not care for werewolves (“I’m not worried about a giant dog”), robots or aliens. I don’t like sea creatures or slashers. We do, however, both like zombies, psychological horror and splatterific deaths.

We’ll be watching the classics and the not-so-classics. Everything from mainstream releases to bottom of the barrel Troma films. We have a back log of films that have been watched and need to be reviewed. Please feel free to send us your suggestions and comments.

So, why are we doing this? Alisa and I have recently discovered a shared love for all that is bloody, gory and tacky. Poking around the internet has opened up a world of laughably terrifying horror gems. Maybe we can open someone else’s eyes to the wonders of lousy cinema.