“Alright everybody, drop your tacos!” – Help Troma Occupy Cannes!

We are going to deviate from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you this very special announcement: Troma Entertainment approached us this weekend to ask for our help. We are both honored and thrilled to be a part of something we believe in so strongly. Troma has been a part of our lives for a very long time and is one of the reasons that we’re so in love with this genre. For those of you who don’t know about Troma Enterainment:

“Established in 1974 by Yale friends Lloyd Kaufman and Michael Herz, Troma Entertainment is one of the longest-running independent movie studios in United States history, and one of the best-known names in the industry. World famous for movie classics like Kaufman’s The Toxic Avenger, Sgt. Kabukiman, NYPD, Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead, as well as Class of Nuke ‘Em High and Tromeo & Juliet, Troma’s seminal films. Among today’s luminaries whose early work can be found in Troma’s 800+ film library are Samuel L. Jackson, Trey Parker, Matt Stone, Jenna Fischer, Robert De Niro, Dustin Hoffman, Kevin Costner, Fergie, Vincent D’Onofrio, James Gunn and Eli Roth.”

Troma Entertainement is trying to raise enough money to get to The Cannes Film Festival to shoot a documentary about the struggles of independent film. Here is a description of the documentary from the website:

“Occupy Cannes will tell the story of how the Troma Team, economically blacklisted independent filmmakers, fight to survive in a world dominated by the mega media conglomerates; mega media conglomerates who spend more on a party at the Cannes than Troma spends on an entire production. Our documentary will depict the struggle that occurs when we try to present a truly independent film at the Cannes Film Festival. Occupy Cannes will be not only entertaining but uniquely informative. It will be a true David versus Goliath story. You can help Troma hurl a stone right into the forehead of the mainstream movie monopoly on behalf of independent art and commerce. Occupy Cannes will turn one of the world’s longest running and most important film festival inside out for the viewer. From meetings with buyers, to soirees on the Riviera (to which Lloyd Kaufman the Troma Team are never invited), to the premiere of Return to Nuke ‘Em High on the “green” carpet, viewers will join us as we continue our valiant crusade: giving independent art back to the people! We’ll have the opportunity to film everyone and everything at the Festival, from luminaries like Harvey Weinstein and Quentin Tarantino to the independent filmmaker trying to sell a tender, heartfelt documentary about his pet hamster. This approach will give viewers an insight they’ve never had into the inner workings of the Cannes Film Festival at every level. Occupy Cannes will prove to be an invaluable tool not only for independent filmmakers, but for all artists, scholars, and anyone that values the idea of artistic independence. More important, the issue of artistic independence is bigger than Cannes, Troma, Return to Nuke ‘Em High, and the film industry itself; it’s about showing the world that independent art must be actively fought for. All we need is you. Help us to bring the true spirit of independence back to Cannes and this big blue marble we call Earth.”

 Is there anything quite like a Troma film? Tara Miller (Return to Nuke Em High) said it best, “Everything you see in Troma films is the sheer result of a hard-working, diligent group of people who BLEED horror, sacrifice sleep and implement a total DIY practice.” The aim of this documentary and campaign is to advocate for all independent films and film makers.

We urge you to get involved – to support Troma in any way that you can. Even if you aren’t able to donate, spread the word!  Troma sticks with you. Troma is there for you. Be there for Troma.

http://www.indiegogo.com/projects/occupy-cannes-a-documentary-about-independents-at-the-cannes-film-festival?c=home

“Keith, I have your pants” – Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl O’Rama

 

Three bored guys, Calvin, Jimmie and Keith, are drinking in their dorm room. Keith has an idea for some fun, crashing the Tri Delta initiation that night. At the sorority house the festivities began as the boys sneak up to the window. Initiates Taffy and Lisa are awaiting punishment from sadistic Babs and her sidekicks, Frankie and Rhonda. After witnessing the girls being mercilessly paddled by Babs, the guys decide they need a closer look and break in. To cap off the beating, Frankie and Rhonda spray the Initiates with whipped cream. Lisa and Taffy hit the showers and the boys follow.

Taffy and Lisa give the boys an unintentional eyeful. Unfortunately, Babs catches the guys almost instantly. She calls a meeting, the last task for initiation will be for Lisa and Taffy to steal a bowling trophy from her father’s mall with the boys in tow. Brutal Babs has a secret plan. Since Daddy owns the mall, she and her minions sneak in to make more trouble for Taffy and Lisa. When our five adventurers do their little act of B & E they find the place is already being robbed.

Tipsy Calvin buddies up to tough as press-on nails Spider. She ridicules the entire bunch, save Calvin, but finally resorts to helping them steal the trophy so they will go away. Jimmie picks the largest trophy in the case and they prepare to head out. Babs and the minions watch on the security cameras as a scuffle breaks out and the trophy drops. Smoke fills the air and out pops a little grey Imp. Uncle Impy is very grateful for being sprung. He offers the group wishes. Calvin is skeptical and Spider is blatantly hostile, they are DQ’d from wishing. Jimmie wishes for gold, Taffy wants to be prom queen and Keith wishes that Lisa would put out.

As soon as the Imp grants his last wish, he reveals his true colors. He knows Babs and the girls are watching so he turns Rhonda into a scaly faced monster and Frankie into the bride of Frankenstein. Uncle Impy electrifies the exits in time to shock a fleeing Babs. The wishes start to go bad and the group turns on the Imp. Demon girls Rhoda and Frankie and kill Jimmie with the ball shiner before bowling with his head. Calvin and Spider shoot Rhonda twice to no avail. Keith attempts to get a break from Uber clingy Lisa only to have his face deep fried. Taffy is stretched a bit too far and winds up in two. Babs wakes up and has a pleasant chat with old Uncle Impy. That is, until Rhonda crashes the party. Babs beats on her as only she could and with Calvin and Spider bowling clean up, they put an end to Rhonda. Uncle Impy just laughs, he demonizes Babs into her replacement.

Calvin and Spider do some more exploring and come upon a janitor. Although laughably heard of hearing, he knows all about the Imp. When enclosed in a small space an Imp will lose it’s power. After a few false starts they agree the best course of action would be to get him in a headlock, kick him in the butt and stuff him back in the trophy. They decide the deaf guy should wait there and ‘listen’ if they need help. Ha. Calvin and Spider head back downstairs to find Babs has killed Lisa. Spider fights with Babs for a few moments before that gets boring and Calvin hits Babs with a molotov cocktail. While Spider prepares to capture the Imp, she sends Calvin to bring the car around. SURPRISE! Rhonda isn’t dead, she’s in the backseat strangling Calvin. In the Imp’s own words “Monster in the backseat? Oldest trick in the book”. Luckily, those are some of the Imp’s last words as Spider slams a Prince Albert can over his head. With the Imp in the can, Rhonda loses her powers. Calvin still flips the car, but he’s safe. Spider rescues him and they ride off into the dawn on her moped. For some reason, they leave the can with the Imp in it on the sidewalk. Right out in the open where anyone might open it. More shocking, there is no sequel.

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Bobi Lobotomy:

Starting from the very beginning, the opening theme is a wondrous piece of synth trash called ‘Here in the Darkness’. The version used for the opening and closing has no other lyrics than ‘here in the darkness’ over and over. This song is still stuck in my head. I’m not mad about it.

I like this movie. The plot is dumb. It’s The Monkey’s Paw if, the paw itself was a bald, homicidal, donkey puppet. This donkey puppet is kinda funny, not like “OMG, I can’t stop laughing”, more like “at least the Imp knows he kinda sucks.” Despite two decapitations, there is almost no blood. Frankly, the worst part of the movie is that it’s so dark. Half the time, I swore something really awesome was happening and I just couldn’t see it. I was left feeling that there were far too many people in the cast. Logically, I guess that’s not true, we need the cannon fodder. I couldn’t tell you who I would have eliminated, it just seemed crowed.

On to the good stuff, in this one we have more Linnea (Spider), more Michelle (Lisa) and a first time appearance on the blog of Brinke Stevens (Taffy). According to IMDB, this one was of only two movies in which all three ladies appear. I feel that may be an old factoid, due to the ‘1313’ movie series, maybe someone can confirm. I like to imagine the three of them negotiating over who has to get naked and how naked they have to get. We get a fully nude Brinke, boobs from Michelle and some fully clothed under boob from Linnea. Michelle is a bit too worldly to be believable as the innocent she is supposed to be here initially. This is my favorite role for Linnea. I know Return of the Living Dead fans will want my head for that remark but she and Uncle Impy make the movie.

By far, my favorite exchange is between Spider and the Janitor. It’s a very stupid scene, nothing new or clever about it but I laugh every time. Anytime Spider rags on Calvin is funny. Really, any time Spider talks is good for me. Then there’s Uncle Impy (I feel compelled to add that he is voiced by Dukey Flyswatter because that’s a pretty kickass fake name) and that’s what he’s like, an Uncle. He tells corny uncle jokes and terrorizes you. What I’m getting at is, the dialogue is awful, but it’s the good kind of awful. I’m a fan, I say three and a half Imps.

 

Alisa Ramone:

Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is a campy, low-budget, 80’s horror spoof, complete with all three scream queens, Linnea Quigley, Michelle Bauer and Brinke Stevens! It’s basically the “genie in a bottle story,” but with an evil imp instead of a genie. SBinSB grabs your attention right away with the catching opening song (that Bobi won’t stop singing) and amuses you all the way to the end. It has a comical plot, great one-liners, lots of gratuitous nudity and several really creative death scenes. I also loved Uncle Impy; he’s hysterically bad, but in a good way.  My biggest complaint was that most of the film was shot at night in a bowling alley, so the lighting is really terrible. SBitSB is an incredibly tongue-in-cheek, entertaining and well paced film that I would recommend to all B movie fans.

Three college boys (Jimmy, Calvin and Keith) go to a sorority house to secretly watch an initiation. They get caught and forced to tag along with Lisa and Taffy to steal a bowling trophy. This isn’t your ordinary trophy; it has an evil imp inside it. They drop the trophy and release Uncle Impy, which results in mayhem and death, but not before he gives Taffy, Jimmy and Keith a wish. Not surprisingly, these wishes turn out to be horrible. The sorority girls (Babs, Rhonda and Frankie) also go to the mall to make sure that the group doesn’t complete their task.  Uncle Impy turns the the three of them into demons similar to their personalities; Rhonda becomes a zombie with bad skin (obsessed with skin/appearance), Babs becomes a dominatrix (obsessed with power), and Frankie becomes the bride of Frankenstein (because her name is Frankie?). Uncle Impy is a cool cat with a deep jazzy voice (Dukey Flyswatter). Sadly, he isn’t made very well, but because the lighting is so bad it was hard to see him anyways.

The deaths are spectacular, even though there were only a few. I’m even willing to forgive the lack of blood. First, we have Jimmy, who gets beheaded by ball shiner and they use his head as a bowling ball (gutter head). Next, Taffy get pulled apart limb from limb (like taffy) and finally, Rhonda shoves Keith’s face into a deep fryer. I wish the lighting was better so I could see each death a little better though. I know I keep mentioning the lighting, but it really did take away from everything.

The most interesting part of this story is that a woman (Spider) is the hero and a man (Calvin) is the blundering sidekick. If you have read any of my other reviews, you know that I’m a little obsessed with gender roles in horror. This movie had a complete gender reversal between Calvin and Spider. Spider is the strong, cunning, bad ass, punk rocker and Calvin is a timid, submissive nerdy guy. He falls for the bad girl immediately (usually that is a girl falling for the bad boy). He physically hides behind her, lays his head in her lap, gives her the gun, gets rescued several times by her and even rides off at the end of the film on the back of her moped. Spider is an exceptionally unique character. She was there to rob the place, but she wouldn’t take “uncle impy” up on his offer to give her anything her little heart desired. Spider was the one to kill all three demons (with Calvin’s help) and capture the Imp. Babs seems to be a strong female character too, but in the face of actual danger, Spider decides to “man up” and Babs cries.

I’m left with two burning questions; why didn’t Lisa get a wish (she was only the object of Keith’s wish) and why did they leave imp on sidewalk in a canister? Someone could just walk by and open it! Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama is a fun, campy film that’s totally worth watching at least once. I give it 4 imps!  

“I’m so hungry I could eat a whore” – Microwave Massacre

All Donald wants is a bologna and cheese sandwich. His wife, May, has purchased a new microwave and loves to experiment. Instead of normal lunches she sends him to work with things like an entire crab. After a night of drowning his sorrows, Donald comes home and kills May. He dismembers her and stores her in the freezer.

The next night, Donald goes for a midnight snack and inadvertently ends up snacking on May.He discovers that while her cooking was disgusting, she’s delicious. Donald packs May for lunch the next and ends up sharing with his pals. For once, something May made is edible! The boys complain the meat is a little tough and old but Donald has a plan to fix that.

Donald hits the streets for some take-out. He brings a prostitute named Dee Dee Dee home for dinner and finds he can screw as long as he knows he can eat the woman later. The next day he introduces his friends to some of 3-D. They’re practically begging for more and Donald obliges. The guys begin to eat their way through the United Nations.

Gearing up for a boys night out, the boys come to pick up Donald. They find him dead in front of the microwave, his pacemaker shorted out by the device. Unfortunately, they peek into the microwave and find out what Donald has been feeding them.

Alisa Ramone:

Microwave Massacre claims to be “the worst horror movie ever made.” I don’t think it was actually the worst horror movie that I have ever seen, but it was pretty bad. The story is simple – Donald is an average guy who hates his wife’s “gourmet cooking” and just wants a damn bologna and cheese sandwich (I can’t for the life of me figure out why he can’t just make it himself). After a night of drinking he is fed up about dinner and bludgeons his wife to death with a peppermill. The next morning, he accidentally cooks and eats his wife. After he realizes that he really enjoys the taste, he goes out to look for other women to cook and eat (after having sex with them, of course). How is it possible that he too lazy to make his own sandwich, but he is willing to prepare, cook and eat a whole person? Donald’s transition from average Joe to serial killer/cannibal is pretty farfetched, but I guess it really goes to show that the only way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. I expected the film to be full of blood and gore, but there was almost none. The acting is pretty bad, the jokes aren’t really that funny, the plot was full of holes, and the sound guy couldn’t keep the mic off screen. I almost enjoyed the fact that the microwave finally killed him, but really the only thing in the plus column is the fact that there are lots and lots of boobs! I give it 1.5 microwave ovens.

Bobi Lobotomy:

This whole mess could have been avoided if Donald made his own fucking sandwich. A sandwich is among the easiest complete meals one can assemble. At least six women lost their lives because this fat fuck wouldn’t make his own smelly sandwich. Normally, I don’t mind who dies or why but Donald rubbed me the wrong way. He’s the lovechild of Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble and I didn’t like him well enough to forgive him for his bad eating habits.

So, what does this movie offer? Boobs. It’s bursting with boobs. As one character points out the psycho snatching girls is an equal opportunity nut job. Which is true, you get to see a variety of boobs before the girls get chopped. There is even a strange interlude where a semi nude woman is slathered in mayonnaise. This film makes up for the breasts we didn’t see in Terrorvision and Slime City.

Alright, so what else? Hmm, not much. Not much blood. Every dismembered limb looked plastic. No real thrills, cheap or otherwise. Donald was sorta funny. Not laugh out loud funny but maybe smile politely funny. As you watch the film you may become haunted, like I was, as to why Donald sounds familiar. Jackie Vernon was Frosty the Goddamn Snowman. When you grow up Frosty eats prostitutes. I’m giving this one two microwave ovens, I don’t want my hour back but I probably won’t watch it again.

“The slime must be appeased!” – Slime City

Slime City is the story of Alex, an art student just trying to get some. He rents an apartment from a seemingly sweet old Lizzie to try to sway his girlfriend Lori into ‘sleeping’ over. Roman and Nicole, the building’s other two youth residents take more than a healthy interest in our boy. Nicole practically says ‘Come up and plow me sometime’ and Roman has him over for green pudding and haunted Crème de Methe. Roman explains the goo is Himalayan yogurt made by Lizzie and the wine is made by her dead alchemist father Zachary. Staggering back to his apartment, Alex runs into Nicole. Then they take off their pants and run into each other a few more times. Alex wakes up the next morning covered in slime or possibly melting. He decides to go out for tea and murders a hobo. Before the hobo’s blood is dry, Alex is back to normal. Roman brings by some more goo and Alex hoovers it up. Afterwards, he meets Lori’s parents and ruins dinner with the revelation that he no longer wants to move in with him. He starts to get slimy again and slashes up a prostitute. Finally getting fed up with the slime cycle, Alex confronts Lizzie and Nicole. They reveal he is being fed an elixir and ectoplasmic primer to  allow dear, dead dad, Zachary to take over his body. The rest of Zach’s former cult have taken up residence in Roman, Nicole and neighbor Ruby. Alex swears off the junk, reconciles with Lori and they have sex. Unfortunately, Zachary’s hostile takeover is nearly complete and he attacks Lori. Despite no longer being a virgin, Lori hacks Alex into squirmy little bits and saves herself. After the police investigation, Ruby and Lizzie are attempting to rent Alex’s old place to the detective on the case. BUM BUM BUUUH!

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Alisa Ramone:

Slime City is a low budget classic that has all of key elements necessary to win me over. It was one of those movies that was so bad it was good. They just don’t make movies like this anymore. The only thing missing was a little nudity. I was sad that not even the prostitute gets naked. When you watch as many bad horror movies as we have, you just come to expect it.  The film totally made up for it in the last 15 minutes though!
Despite the cheesy script, the acting was actually pretty good. Robert C. Sabin (Alex) was both a believable monster and boy next door and Mary Huner was a really good choice to play Lori (protagonist)/Nicole (antagonist). Nicole’s wig was pretty distracting though because I didn’t even realize they were the same person until well after the movie was over.  Bob and I were trying to decide if that was due to budget issues or if it was a stylistic choice.
I thought it was really interesting that sex was Alex’s motive for moving into the building and even after he convinced Lori to sleep with him, she still killed him. Typically the devirginizing of a female character makes her less likely to be the last one standing, but not in Slime City. All of the women in this film are in control in some way.  The crazy old ladies try to steal his body on behalf of a cult leader, Nicole seduces him and gets him hooked on Slime and Lori refuses to give into him sexually or emotionally until the end.  I also love the fact the when Alex doesn’t get any sweet lovin’ from Lori, he gets it from Nicole (who is played by the same actress).  A big theme in the film is clearly sexual frustration/repression. I still can’t figure of why Alex’s hair goes grey throughout the movie and why no one seemed to notice though.
One of the more memorable scenes for me was when homicidal Alex gets stabbed in the stomach by a gang member. His stomach transformed into an opening with teeth and ate the gang member’s hand. That stomach mouth thing looked a lot like a vagina (the most nudity in the film) and the gang member just laid on the ground yelling and bleeding out of his stump.
Now on to the awesome parts! The last 15 minutes of this film were so epic.  Lori stabbed a clever into Alex’s neck, stabbed him with a fork, disemboweled him, cut off his hand and beheaded him. All of this action took place on a floor that looks like a chess/checker board. After the disembowelment, Alex tried to scoop up his intestines (hot dogs and scrambled eggs) and shove them back into his stomach and when she finally cut off his head we saw some more eggs and hot dogs fall down around it. The best part of the final battle was when his little brain decided to crawl across the floor. I was impressed by both the complete lack of budget available for the special effects and by how wonderful they turned out anyways.
Anyone who claims to be a fan of B horror movies should really see Slime City.  I know I didn’t actually discuss the slime at all, but I can assure you that there is a lot of slime and it is glorious. I give it four scooting brains!

Bobi Lobotomy:

I thought there would be more slime. More blood wouldn’t have hurt either. To me, the entire film is made worthwhile by the last ten minutes. The acting is, surprisingly, not bad. It makes the film more watchable but loses points in the comedy department. Normally, that isn’t an issue but for being billed as a horror comedy it’s severely lacking in funny. The first and only time I laughed was during the last ten minutes. I’m tempted to think that the budget only allowed for ten minutes of awesome and eighty minutes of eh. Overall, Slime City has its charms but it’s not my favorite.

Mary Huner wears a very distracting wig when she is playing Nicole. It’s so distracting in fact, that I didn’t realize she was also playing Lori until after the movie. She looked a bit like a low rent, goth Cher impersonator. Maybe this was one of those jokes the film was supposed to have.

Slime City’s body count is four and an arm. We’ve got a bludgeoning, a slashing, a head bashing, stomach vs. arm bite-off and a decapitation/partial dismemberment. The film really shows what it can do when Alex’s stomach bites the arm off of a gang member. That scene really gives you a good, slimy mouth full of what the finale is serving up. My favorite scene in the movie is when Lori slashes Alex’s stomach and disembowels him. Part of me wondered what happened to the mouth that just ate some guy’s arm. When hot dogs and scrambled eggs came spilling out of the wound, all slights were forgiven. Then when Alex stoops and tucks all the hot dogs and eggs back into his stomach, I was finally won over. I won’t ruin all the finale has to offer, rest assured it’s worth waiting to see. I give the entire film two scooting brains but the finale gets five.

The Return of the Living Blog!

Alisa Ramone and Bobi Lobotomy here, reviewing the best (and worst) of the bad in horror. We are working from what we believe to be a comprehensive list of ’80’s horror. You’ll be getting the worst the decade has to offer. Not everything will be from the ’80’s, be ready for anything we might throw at you.

The two of us rarely agree on what makes a bad film great. For both of us though, the campier the movie the better. Alisa does not care for werewolves (“I’m not worried about a giant dog”), robots or aliens. I don’t like sea creatures or slashers. We do, however, both like zombies, psychological horror and splatterific deaths.

We’ll be watching the classics and the not-so-classics. Everything from mainstream releases to bottom of the barrel Troma films. We have a back log of films that have been watched and need to be reviewed. Please feel free to send us your suggestions and comments.

So, why are we doing this? Alisa and I have recently discovered a shared love for all that is bloody, gory and tacky. Poking around the internet has opened up a world of laughably terrifying horror gems. Maybe we can open someone else’s eyes to the wonders of lousy cinema.